I guest posted on my Blog
Friend Denise's funny blog this week and I've gotten all sorts of nice
compliments on it. This was surprising because after re-reading it, I didn't
seem very "christmas-y". You guys must really like me. But I got a lot of
requests to post it here as well, so I'm going to do that. You should still
visit my gal Denise over at
Mommy 2
Nanny 3 Doggy 1, she's pretty damn funny. But I always try to make you guys
happy, so here you go!
So the lovely, charming, beautiful Denise
asked if I would write a guest post for her today. Moi? A
guest post? I’m so flattered! She must really enjoy my writing. She must think I’m kinda talented, right?
Yah, not so much. SHE gets to go away to sunny Florida, while I’m stuck here in cold and rainy Massachusetts. SHE gets to meet fairy princesses, while I
meet up with cranky women in Target who are tired of Christmas shopping and who
take it out on the pimply faced teenager stocking the shelves with I’m-A-Whore
Barbie Dolls. And actually, I’m not too
sure Denise is the Disney Princess kind of girl, she seems more of a Mad Tea
Party type than that. Anywho, get to my
point, yes, thank you…
Well, my name is Kim and I am
the author to a little ‘ol blog called
My Twin*tastic Life. I have twin boys who are 4, and while my blog
does talk about being a mom to twins, it is just as much about my life in
general and all the crazies we all come into contact with every day. I’m pretty sarcastic and I like to think I’m
hilarious, although that may be debatable.
Denise makes me think I’m hilarious, but I’m afraid that’s more because
we both have the same sick sense of humor.
But if you like Denise, I’m hoping you might make it through the end of
my post here. So here we go….
I was listening to my local
oldies station tonight while driving home with my kiddos. And of course it’s all Christmas music (and
has been since right after Halloween, why wouldn’t it be) and The Twelve Days of
Christmas was on. I recently wrote a post
about how this year Christmas was going to be simple for us, back to
basics. I was thinking about how if I REALLY wanted to
get back to basics, I would give Chris 12 turtle doves for a gift this
year. But I quickly realized that, like
our fish, I would be the one feeding them.
No doubt it would be me cleaning up 12 turtle dove’s mess, and swatting
them away from my head, our food at dinner time, the door so they didn’t
escape. Who needs that? Not this mom.
And really, what the hell are turtle doves anyways?
So I got to thinking that MY
Twelve Days of Christmas might make a good blog post. I thought it might make a good blog post for
that lucky bitch that gets to go to Florida my friend Denise. So here we go….
On the first day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me,
The job of shopping for
EVERYONE on our Christmas list. He’ll go
get me stocking stuffers at CVS on Christmas Eve.
On the second day of Christmas,
Toys R Us gave to me,
Only one BuzzLightyearSpaceship
Command Center even though I ordered 2 (DUH, I have twins,
dumb-ass Toys R Us) But you know they didn’t mess up charging me for the two. Bastards.
On the third day of Christmas,
Toys R Us gave to me
A full refund on the BuzzLightyearSpaceship
CommandCenter
Because of course it went on
sale and they wouldn’t credit me even though they screwed up my order to begin
with, so I returned them and bought them again immediately after. I’ll get them, damn it. I don’t f*ck around. Ooops, sorry about that, I know this is a
Christmas post.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
the Boys’ school gave to me,
An adorable little holiday open
house, but seated me near Typhoid Mary, with her boogery nose pouring down her
into her mouth, which made me dry heave
and now we are all sick and coughing all over each other.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
my neighbor’s yard gave to me,
the boys’ first real exposure
to a nativity scene, so I tried to explain the true meaning of Christmas, and
now the they think Christmas is about “Baby cheeses” being killed by bad guys,
like the Fire Nation (from the TV show Avatar:
the Last Air bender). Damn, that
was a total miss.
On the sixth day of Christmas,
my Elf on a Shelf, Elfie (original name, I know) gave to me
A total scare,
because I couldn’t remember where I put him and I started to think maybe he WAS
real and trying to f*ck with me.
On the seventh day of Christmas, Target
gave to me
A gift card! Don’t get too excited, it was for spending a
ton of money in their store. See, even
they knew I spent more than I should have… they felt bad and gave me a gift
card. I have a problem.
On the eighth day of Christmas,
cable TV gave to me
Will Ferrell’s movie ELF,
followed by Billy Bob Thornton’s Bad Santa – NOW it feels like Christmas. C’mon, based on this list, you couldn’t tell
what gives me Christmas joy?
On the ninth day of Christmas,
my best friend gave to me
The heads up that there are now
Cadbury mini eggs for Christmas. What is
better?
On the tenth day of Christmas,
the scale gave to me
Added weight probably from
ninth day of Christmas and the one pound bag of mini eggs I ate while watching
Revenge…nothing says Christmas like revenge and a pound of chocolate.
On the eleventh day of
Christmas, my true love gave to me
An oil change. I know, not that exciting. Sorry.
On the twelfth
day of Christmas, my friend Denise gave to me
The chance to spread my
crazy…
New oil in my Tahoe
Revenge and too-tight
pants
Mini eggs for Christmas
Hours of Santa movies
“Free” money at Target
A new fear of Elfie
The murder of Baby
Cheeses
Contagion from Typhoid
Mary
The sale price I deserved
An f-you from Toys R Us
…..and the daunting task of
shopping for EVERYONE we know!
Merry Christmas and Happy
Holidays to you all! Thanks for having
me, Denise! I hope Denise had a fantastic
time at Disney bitch.
Come by for a visit. Anytime, really. http://www.mytwintasticlife.com/
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