One of my earliest memories is of me as a very small child. I don't know if my sister was even born yet but I'm guessing she either was brand new or about to arrive. The memory is of my mom walking into my play room, taking one look around the chaos that I'd created and telling me sternly to clean up. Upon hearing her words and surveying the mess, I looked up at the window, wishing I could fly out of it to escape the task before me. I've considered this memory many times, thinking about how that my initial reaction was "flight" and not "fight". I've analyzed if this was the beginning to my "escape my problems" issue or my depression problems. But until tonight, I'd never really looked at it from my poor Mom's point of view.
For me, there are two parts of parenting that are harder than anything else, two parts that I mull over constantly. The first is seeing my children in pain. I think that part of why this is such a huge issue for me is because a) who in their right mind enjoys seeing their kids hurt? and b) I've almost lost a child before and it was by far, the most painful, frustrating experience of my life and not being able to comfort my baby who was, by many means, dying inside, was torture... for both of us. The other part of parenting that I find most difficult, that I deal with more and more each day as my kids get older, is disciplining them. Today for example, I snapped. Totally lost it to the point that my phone sobbing induced my husband to sneak out of work a bit earlier.